Friday, 10 January 2014

The Silver and The Gold - a New Year debacle

The Island Independent

Paradise Island's only independent paper

Friday January 3, 2014

Lady Innocent Brassica
There was discontent in Drizzly on  new year's eve when one noted guest chose to ignore the party's gold theme and turned up dressed in sparkly silver. 

"All but one person kept to the gold theme," said Lady Innocent Brassica, daughter-in-law of Lord and Lady Brassica of Drizzly Manor. "She chose to ignore my request to wear gold but it didn't spoil the party." 

The fashion faux pas was committed by non other than Lady Jessica Brassica, known in the past for her elegance and style but lately fading in the shining light of her younger, prettier daughter-in-law. Friends close to the family suggest that the two women are in competition now that Lady Jessica has been dumped by her long-term friend and designer Joop, from Overbearing in Holland.

A source who wished to remain anonymous explained, "Joop was her guiding light and he has kept her stylish for years. Now he has fresh ideas and he wants them shown to the world by a younger, prettier model."  

In a recent article in Vogue, Joop stated, "Innocent is a striking woman with a unique presence which has captured the imagination of the world's fashion press." 

He declined to comment on the end of his long relationship with Lady Jessica. 

The Fribble and Drizzly White Lie

Jolly good news, well told

Friday January 3, 2014
Mr and Mrs. Mariner (left) with  Tamsin Pink and Garçon Orange

New Year's Eve went off with a bang at Drizzly Manor this year, thanks to Lord and Lady Brassica's daughter-in-law Innocent. Lord Brassica is the owner of this newspaper and we were all delighted when Innocent married their son Root in July.  Since then she has been a rising star in this community and around the world. 

The future Lady Brassica has begun to make an impact by introducing her dazzling style and original ideas into traditional events. Innocent's Gold themed New Year's Eve party was a hit with all the Fribble and Drizzly residents who were lucky enough to be invited.

"The gold themed party was a hit. I was lucky enough to be invited," said Willie Wyme, our local Police Constable

Mr. and Mrs. Mikey Mariner were also invited, having been married at Drizzly Manor last year. They enjoyed Innocent's gold champagne with their friends Tamsin Pink and 
Garçon Orange. Gold benches, gold fireworks, gold champagne in gold goblets - a great night was had by all.

"We all had a great night," said Miggy McAlister from neighbouring Fribble-under-Par.

But most of the praise was for Innocent herself, a model whose career is internationally acclaimed. Innocent's natural allure is well documented in fashion benches magazines throughout Europe and she has launched a number of dress collections for her designer, Joop, from Overbearing in Holland. 

"Innocent lit up the night sky like a gold halo hovering over a field of golden wheat," said Lord Brassica, owner and editor of this newspaper.  "We are very proud of her."

Lady Brassica was not available for comment. 

Paris MisMatch

7 janvier 2014

Le cheval Tonks, Lord Brassica de Drizzly et son fils Root
L'argent ou le doré?

Tout le monde s'accorde a reconnaitre que le cheval Tonks est magnifique pour l'année
nouvelle 2014.

Mais les relations se détériant entre Lady Innocent et Jessica Brassica de Drizzly.

Selons certain rumeurs, l'heure de vérité approche pour Lady Jessica Brassica, qui a une mauvaise appreciation du rhythme de changement souhaitable.
L'argent ou le doré?  Le débat fait rage!

Frank Fashion Weekly

Telling it like it is

Monday January 6, 2014

The bigger they come, the harder they fall. Such is the case with Lady Jessica Brassica, well known for her elegant dress sense and her dignified modelling for The House of Joop. A frequent visitor to Overbearing in Holland for the past decade, Lady B and Joop have now parted company, with Joop's designs being modelled exclusively by Lady Innocent Brassica, who just happens to be married to Lady Jessica's numpty son Root. 

Fashion disaster: Lady Jessica Brassica
On New Year's Eve Lady Jessica's greatest fashion faux pas was in the spotlight for all to see. She turned up in a glittery silver frock reminiscent of the Bondage Fairy. Strands of silver rope criss-crossed her breasts, offset by a skirt which can only be described as a giftwrap ribbon. Whilst the skirt left little to the imagination, aliens from some silver planet must have swept in on a fascinator that would have been hilarious if it weren't so cliched.

"A fashion disahster, darhling," said Joop from his studio in Holland. 

Joop's Yarnbomb Collection last autumn was a hit the world over and catapulted Innocent to the front fashion pages and even the covers of global magazines. Rumours are rife on Bench blogsites that Innocent will give Joop's Downton Abbey servant's dress a whole new and exciting lease of life in his Spring collection. 

Golden Girls Tamsin Pink and Mrs. Mikey Mariner
Those who attended Innocent's Gold themed New Year's Eve party at the Brassica's stately pile were amazed at the variety of gold tones and textures worn by guests. Even local gang members turned up in gold.

Fribble Agro gang member Hood-D was pragmatic about the dress code.

"If there's free food and drink and I have to wear gold to get in, I'll do it."

The benches in Drizzly Manor were specially decked out in gold for the party and gold champagne flowed throughout the evening.

PC Wille Wyme and the Fribble Agro

Police Constable Willie Wyme wore gold lamé 
trousers which offset his uniform rather nicely against the contours of the gold bench. Lord Brassica's trousers, however, brought two words to mind: Gary and Glitter

Lord Root Brassica did his best in a gold tunic but, as usual, looked ridiculous.  His former fiance, Tamsin Pink, radiated sweetness and light and big green shoes, accompanied by Garçon Orange, a French fellow with a Toulouse Lautrec moustache and a very silly beret. They are rumoured to be engaged.

Garçon  Orange and Tamsin Pink

Guests made a credible effort to deck themselves out for the gold theme. With the one notable exception.

Fashion pundits everywhere will be asking what Lady Jessica was thinking when she set out for a gold-themed party in a silver dress. An ill-judged single act of rebellion might be forgiven but her claim that Innocent told her the theme was silver just beggars belief.  

Want the latest fashion gossip? Follow The Fashion Channel Online

The Fashion Channel Online 

You know what we're gonna talk about, don't you?  That Dress!  

#pussycatbritches  OMG what was she thinking? Can't believe it. In total shock

#itsnotfair      it's not fair what Frank Fashion said. Lady J might be old but calling her the Bondage Fairy is just mean

#ropedude    who said BONDAGE yeah I'm up for it

#uptomyearsinshoes    If everybody else new the dresscode was gold why didnt she?

#yeahman    Im with u their man it dont make sense

#innocenttilguilty   I think she was trying to upstage Innocent or embarrass her and that's not on

#yeahman    yeah like i sed im with u their

#spellcheckmiggy    You guys are so critical but you can't even spell

#uptomyearsinshoes    git a live losser

#pussycatbritches   OMG Lady Jess is like so TOTALLY my hero!!! 

#metwo     Me 2

#Hood-D     Innocent stood up to the ruling classes by making Lady B look like a twat 

#biffobustsstuffup   who cares we got free food and drink all night

#lordrootrules    Here's a selfie I took at the party. Slept on the seafront with my guitar LOL

#ropedude    Which one is the bondage babe? The sliver one or the gold one?

#spellcheckmiggy   The silver one you idiot

#trollguy   Did anyone see Lord Brassica in Paris Mismatch? Seems to have his hand down his pants for some reason

#itsnotfair   it's not fair that his horse has to be wrapped up in gold just because that slut Innocent throws a gold party. This is animal abuse. Long life Lady Jess!

#innocenttilguilty    get lost horseface. Innocent ROCKS!!!! 

#uptomyearsinshoes     lick i said git a liff

#luvzluvlyclothes     What's wrong with silver? I thought Lady Jess looked awesome

#metwo    Me 2

#yeahman   im with u there man shes HOT!!!!!!

#innocenttilguilty    But have you seen Innocent????  Seriously she is so hot I am burning my hands typing this

#pussycatbritches   I think you ought to declare your interest though. You run the Innocent fanclub. I've seen your website.

#innocenttilguilty   I've got an interest in Innocent alright! And it ain't innocent!  LOL

The Island Independent.

Paradise Island's only independent paper

Tuesday January 7, 2014

Two elderly women and one man were rescued from the Fribble seafront in the early hours of New Year's Day following a party at Drizzly Manor in which two women came into conflict about the party's dress code. Twin sisters Cora and Dora Boran, were found near the seafront benches at 3.44 am.

Cora and Dora Boran
Dora, 87, was thought to be carrying suspicious goods as the basket of her walking frame contained two guitars belonging to Lord Root Brassica of Drizzly Manor. Lord Root was found in a state of drunkeness nearby and said he intended to spend the night there. His head rested on an expensive gold bag allegedly belonging to his wife Innocent, the party hostess.  The bag  contained several Gold credit cards and a great deal of cash.

"My wife wanted me to take the bag home," Root told officer Willie Wyme at the scene. "But it was too heavy so I gave my guitars to Dora to carry."

"I feel I let young Root down," said Dora. "They were so heavy and it took me three hours to walk to the seafront."

Cora Boran, 87, was earlier seen using her walking frame to smash up a bench at Drizzly Manor and was cautioned about destroying private property. Both women were taken home by PC Wyme while Root Brassica was allowed to remain until morning.

Lady Innocent declined to comment on the large bills run up while her Gold card was in her husband's possession.


  1. This is scurrilous hackery - what do we care about these journos' opinions of Lady Jessica's fashion sense? It's shameless PR for Innocent, who is no doubt behind every piece. I say, send them all to the naughty bench until they've learned to write a decent news story. (And I suspect there was more to the Cora and Dora story than was reported here.)

  2. I know what you mean, Aurora, but it is my duty to share the relevant news reports and I certainly can't ignore the likes of prestigious publications like Frank Fashion Weekly and Paris Mismatch, can I? Surely 'jolly good news, well told' must be taken seriously? However, if a naughty bench is needed, there's a nice blue one in the Christmas post, unless Dora has got there with her killer walking frame.